Mother’s Day Campaign 2005: Mothers - The Real Story: It’s About Time

Our real stories are about time. The time all mothers spend taking care of their families, the unpredictability of that time, the invisibility of it, the way it pushes up against other things that require time, the way it changes our lives after we become mothers, the way it causes guilt about how we should be spending time, and the way it causes resentment about how we want to be spending our time.

The stories about the barriers and penalties mothers face are about time. Taking care of families is real work that takes real time, whether it is the visible work of changing diapers and helping with homework or the invisible work of mentally tracking doctor’s appointments and the need for new shoes. Yet that work is not valued as real work. Society makes it tough to get it done and marginalizes those who do it - and mothers have been culturally assigned the responsibility to do the work.

And for mothers, it’s about time that we come together to tell our stories loud and clear. That we insist on more options for individuals to fit the time to care into their lives, insist that the responsibility to spend time caring for families be treated as a responsibility we all share individually and together, and insist that time spent caring for families is never a reason for someone to face financial insecurity, barriers to employment or the expectation that personal dreams and potential must be sidelined.

Goals of the Campaign

• To encourage mothers to talk with each other about their real life experience as mothers.
• To spotlight that all mothers do unpaid work caring for their families that takes time to perform and has real social and economic value.
• To identify the barriers mothers share to fitting the time required for care in with everything else and the unique ways different mothers approach this challenge.

Activities

• Chapters across the country held special campaign meetings, movie nights and other activities of their choosing to support the campaign.
• Mothers and those that support mothers were invited to send e-mails to friends and families to let them know about the campaign and survey.
• Mothers were asked to send a letter-to-the-editor to their local newspapers to get the word out that all the work mothers do, paid and unpaid, takes time to perform and has real social and economic value.

“Day After” Time Use Survey

For the Mothers & More “Day After” Mother’s Day Survey, we set out not to be scientific and precise in quantifying how we mothers spend our time, but rather to give mothers the opportunity to provide qualitative data on what their time feels like and what emotions they have, as they perform the daily tasks associated with their roles as mothers, workers and caregivers.

We used the American Time Use Survey (ATUS) categories to help participants see for themselves the breadth and scope of their activities throughout a typical day. But we added a category we felt was sorely missing in the ATUS: Invisible, mental work (worrying, planning, scheduling, listing, remembering, etc), that we believe is part and parcel of mothers’ lives and takes appreciable time, focus and energy, just as all the other activities captured in the ATUS do.

We also wanted to take a closer look at multi-tasking–accomplishing two or more tasks simultaneously–and compare that with how mothers felt about their time and sense of accomplishment.

Then we asked how mothers felt during certain blocks of time–what their emotional state was in general throughout their day, and how the time itself felt to them.

Lastly, we invited mothers to give us a blow-by-blow of their time blocks, and to reflect on whether they felt the work they did on this “Day After” was acknowledged and appreciated, in the afterglow of Mother’s Day.

Survey Summary Charts

Here’s an overview of our findings from the survey:

Mothers Are BUSY

Whether in the paid workplace or full-time caregivers at home, mothers’ days are very full and very hectic. Except for the 9 pm – midnight and 3 am – 6 am time slots, the majority of our mother survey participants were multi-tasking all day long (from 50% – 87% throughout the day, averaging out at 75% overall). And the task that took first in every time slot but one (9 pm to midnight) was, you guessed it, caring for kids (72.9% overall), followed by telephone calls, mail and email (69.4%) and household activities (67.8%). Mothers’ busiest times of the day were 6 am to 9 am and noon to 6 pm, though you could still find them busily working even in the 9 pm to midnight time block, trying to fit in all the things they weren’t able to do while the kids were awake. (Also notable in the 9 pm to midnight time block: multi-tasking goes from the 70%-80% during the rest of the day to 56%, and personal care goes up to 56%–no wonder kids’ bedtime is sacred to mothers; it’s when they can focus and get a little personal time for themselves.)
Our added activity category, “invisible mental work” also bore out our hunch on its prominence in mothers’ daily lives–from 6 am all the way to 9 pm, between 50% and 64% of our respondents reported being engaged in this work, along with all their other activities.

Mothers Are TIRED

Of the 12 feelings offered up to participants (and they were invited to check all that apply), feeling tired was the overwhelming feeling throughout the day. Except for a short respite in the 9 am to noon time block (maybe after the caffeine kicks in and before the day has really taken its toll), at any given time, 50% to 100% of our participants reported feeling tired----100% feeling it between midnight and 3 am, 83% from 3 am to 6 am (getting up in the middle of the night with infants or sick children, perhaps) and over 70% feeling that way again from noon to 3 pm and 6 pm to midnight. “Tired” averaged out to 63% over the course of the whole day.

A distant second feeling was “accomplished,” which peaked at 56% from 9 am to noon (which is also, perhaps not coincidentally, when mothers felt least tired) but only averaged out to 38% for the day. Neck and neck for third place were “content” (30% average), ”anxious” (25%) and “happy” (23%). “Content” peaked during 3 pm - 6 pm (38%), “anxious” between noon and 3 pm (39%) and “happy” from 9 am to noon (33%).
The good news is, the feelings that received the lowest percentages throughout the day were “mad” (5%), “defeated” (5%) and “sad” (4%). Also near the bottom were “fulfilled” (11%) and “refreshed” (14%), however.

Mothers’ Time is FAST and FRAGMENTED but PRODUCTIVE

When asked to pick the feelings they had about the time itself, mothers’ most frequent selections were “fast” (45% overall), “productive” (43%), “fragmented” (37%) and “worthwhile” (33%).

Not surprisingly, the time block where mothers felt the most productive (54%) was the same block where they also felt that the time went fastest (64%), 6 am – 9 am. And interestingly, during waking hours, the time block that felt most fragmented (50%) was also when mothers felt the most anxious (39%), noon-3 pm.

Mother’s Day Leaves a Lot of Mothers Feeling Conflicted

After giving mothers a chance to review their activities and their feelings on the Day After, the last question we asked was,

Did you feel appreciated and feel that all the work you do for your family was recognized yesterday? Did celebrating Mother's Day yesterday change your perspective on the work you did today?

The overwhelming majority of mothers said they did feel appreciated by their families on Mother’s Day, and the majority also said that Mother’s Day did nothing to give recognition to the amount and importance of the work they do as caregivers–the next day it was back to business as usual and having mothers’ work go largely invisible.

“I felt appreciated but not like all the work I do was recognized. There is much that goes on that my husband has no clue about and would not be able to manage himself in the timeframe in which I manage it, particularly when multitasking and mental planning ahead are involved. It did give me renewed awareness that I really do a great deal that needs to be done and that most of it is behind the scenes, so to speak, unseen by other adults.”

“The work I do is invisible to my family. Occasionally I don't do it (when I travel, or, last year, when I was injured). The whole place goes to hell, but it never makes them understand how much I do for them, it just makes them angry when I don't do it.”

“It's impossible for my family to know and appreciate all that I do. Sometimes what I do feels invisible.”

“I feel my family recognized my work for them. And there were some great articles about mothers' unpaid work in papers around the country on Mother’s Day. But I do feel that this appreciation only lasts one day, and the Day After it's like Cinderella after the ball---back to work and back to being invisible and unappreciated.”

Several mothers were actually stressed because this “day off” left them with a backlog of work to do by that evening or the next day.

“We went on a day trip that was fun but then I did not have time to do my usual get ready for the week planning on Sunday night and so I am playing catch up today.”

“My husband tried to give me a no-work kind of day. It was great until about 7pm when he said he was too tired to keep it up. Celebrating Mother's Day yesterday gave me a chance to see what I needed to get done in the house. I had some time to make a BIG ‘to do’ list.”

“Spent the evening cleaning and organizing around the house because having the house organized makes my days operate better.”

“Maybe my husband realized that it is hard to do all the work, but since most of it wasn't done, it is hard to say. When I have to finish it all up after relaxing for a day, it is a bit of a disappointment, but I felt rested so the work went faster. I just feel more accepting that this is what I do all day long, take care of kids and husband, without much appreciation.”

"Although I tried to enjoy the moment and concentrate on the celebration of Mother's Day yesterday and all that the family did for me, I kept worrying about what I had to do for today.”

On the other hand, many mothers felt they had to work just as hard on Mother’s Day as any other day.

“My husband is really great about appreciating what I do in general. I did, however, find myself grumbling to myself that even on Mother's Day I cooked dinner and did the laundry! He had been so nice earlier in the day and bought me a nice gift that I didn't feel I could say, ‘Why am I cooking and doing laundry on Mother's Day?’ While he is appreciative of my hard work at home, I still don't think he realizes just how much goes into each day.”

“Yesterday was nice but I also worked my butt off trying to get things ready for my mother-in-law's visit so I didn't relax that much.”

“Since all I did was chores most of Mother’s Day I wouldn't really call that celebrating. My life continues as one endless series of chores and errands whether it is Mother's Day or not.”

Yet seeking or receiving appreciation for their work left a number of mothers feeling guilty or ashamed of themselves.

“Yes. I feel very appreciated by my family. It makes me want to keep giving to them and try not to be so selfish.”

“Yes, I felt appreciated, but disappointed at my husband's version of ‘I'll do it for you today.' Together he & my two sons gave me a CD of a group I like. That's it. What about that pedicure I have been talking about? What about something that says, ‘You work so hard, you should relax sometimes.’? I don't think my husband can ever fully understand all that I do for our family. Yesterday helped remind me that I need to be happy about my kids and not get so negative.”

“On Sunday I still cleaned a litter box since I couldn't stand the smell and it was trash day on Monday, but I resented the fact that my many hints all weekend to do this chore went unanswered by my husband, 12 yr old daughter, and 10 yr old son. Then I felt guilty about my anger. I received a card and flowers and then my day continued like normal. I don't feel like I should complain though, because I am sure other moms are worse off.”

"Yes, I did feel appreciated and special yesterday and it has impacted my perspective a bit today in the sense that I want to feel like I've earned my presents.”

The general consensus, which several mothers articulated, is that they want and need more on-going recognition for–and more regular relief from–their caregiving work.

“I feel appreciated by my family most days. Yesterday was also lovely, but I'd rather have the job of parenting be valued in general than have an annual ‘recognition’ day.”

“I think taking ONE day out of the year to recognize the work mothers do is absurd, a way out of recognizing what we do EVERY day. More of a media-imposed consumer hype thing rather than a real recognition of a mom's life. I'd rather be recognized on a regular basis than having a big emotional build-up to this one day. It doesn't make sense and feels weird. We all need to be celebrated and appreciated regularly.”

“I truly hope there will be a day when all mothers are valued for the unpaid caregiving work we do.”

A Day in the Life

Statistics and percentages aside, the story of mothers’ lives the Day After is best told in their own words. All the work and activities, the multi-tasking and the feelings surrounding them were most eloquently expressed in mothers’ blow-by-blow accounts of specific time blocks. Here’s a representative sampling from different mothers at different times of the day, which illustrate the love, the sense of accomplishment, the fragmentation, intensity and relentlessness of the job of mothering.

Midnight – 3 am

“It's been such a painful day. My husband and I are continuing a discussion/argument that began earlier today, continued as I drove him to the airport, and is being finished by telephone and e-mail. We are trying to decide whether to split up or stay together; things are looking really, really bad. Now it's 2 am, and I have to clean out my kitchen because I have painters coming in the morning. And I have to get my kids off to school and get myself to work. How am I going to get through this day?”

3 am – 6 am

“It's 5:40 AM. My three-and-a-half-year-old daughter woke up at 5 having nightmares so I went to her room and laid down with her to help her sleep. After she fell asleep I came into the office to check my work email and take care of any urgent items that happened overnight (I work from home). An early start to my day!”

6 am – 9 am

“My guilty secret is how much I love Monday morning. My husband and daughter go back out to their worlds and my house is my castle. My cleaning lady comes and order is restored. She's also become one of my best friends and we gossip and share. So Monday morning I scurry around getting the house picked up and making my daughter help and then I'm back to a life I love that involves working from home at a job I mostly love, with the freedom to knock off for coffee with friends or to walk the dogs.”

9 am – noon

“Arrived to work and went to lactation room for 15 minute pumping session. Then attended to some emails, phone calls before heading into a 10:30AM meeting. Meeting started late since presenter didn't show on time, therefore my mind wandered to my daughter at home with grandparents. Bit anxious since she had horrible diaper rash on Sunday, and I was hoping mom-in-law could give me latest status. Called home and checked on her. Finished meeting and then did about 15 minute socializing with colleagues.”

Noon – 3 pm

“Spent time trying to get my 4 year old to pick up things he had thrown on the floor because I am tired of doing it, all the while trying to come up with strategies for making this task easier/him more accountable/me less frustrated. Prepped and cleaned up snack. Checked e-mail and responded to messages re: a community arts and crafts faire I am co-planning. Spent some time playing with my son. Spent time wondering where I put our overdue bills, and then trying to figure out how to get them in the mail (which involves a drive to town), give my son a bath, get all the laundry sorted and then started, make dinner, all in the next 2 1/2 hours. Felt overwhelmed because was up late cleaning last night, so likely not strategizing as best I could under better circumstances. Back of mind thoughts are trip planning for a cross-country trip this week.”

3 pm – 6 pm

“Got snack for toddler after he woke up from his nap, chased him around the house in order to change his diaper and clothes; went outside to work in the garden; attempted to transplant herb and flowering plants into the garden while trying to keep child from pulling out the seedlings and stepping on the flowers; not altogether successful in this endeavor; returned to the house to wash hands, son wanted to "do it himself" so I lugged the stepstool to the kitchen sink; while washing his hands he grabbed the sprayer and sprayed water all over the cabinets, counters and floor of the kitchen as well as himself; I had to change his clothes (again) and wipe up all the water. Then he asked to watch a video. I was all too happy to agree. We sat down to watch a 20 minute video and I managed to sneak in a few minutes reading my scrapbooking magazine while making comments about the video I've seen (probably literally) 200 times.”

“Still at the office and working. Spoke with my husband who conferenced me in with my mother-in-law. Found out my daughter turned over for the first time. Excited but at same time wishing I had been there to witness the event. Worked the rest of afternoon till 5:30PM. At 5:30 starting to prepare to go home. Have a headache and also trying to figure out what to make for dinner. Looking forward to seeing my daughter after my long workday.”

6 pm – 9 pm

“Clean up after dinner. Sit outside on swing with my teenage daughter while reading & napping. Teach my daughter how to drive a manual transmission car while picking up her sister. Mow grass. Discuss kids schedules with my husband–again! Make phone calls.”

“I got things done and it felt great! Made dinner and picked up my daughter from her after school program. Both kids like meatloaf, so no one fussed. My husband's out of town, so at dinner my kids and I played I Spy, something we haven't done in a long time. We got a little silly and laughed together for a long time. I remember now--this is why I wanted children.”

9 pm – midnight

“Finished cleaning. Did some email. Exercised. Got ready (too late) for bed. Tried to read a few pages.”

“I was talking to my mother-in-law at 9 pm. I was checking emails and trying to fix the font size of my computer (since someone changed it). I was trying to verify flight information for a weekend getaway with my husband next weekend. I tucked in my son when he went to bed. I paid a bill for our truck payment.”

“The only ‘quiet’ time I have to myself seems to be after my husband and daughter are asleep. Not even my sleep time is mine since I am still on call when my almost 3 yr old wakes in the middle of the night (which happens several times a week).”

“Lots of started things that went unfinished today. So after vegging out in front of the TV with my husband to watch something we recorded yesterday, I took a late phone call from my father and helped him with a computer problem. I was able to help him without him getting too frustrated, so that felt good. I loaded dirty dinner dishes in the dishwasher and made ice cream sandwiches for my daughter's preschool class snack tomorrow. This (the computer) is my last stop before bedtime. Though the house is mostly messy and undone, I feel good about getting to those little things before bed. Now I'm off for a rest to prepare for tomorrow!”

“I flip flop between getting the things I need to do, done and getting done what's right in front of me. At times, I feel I walk around with a bucket trying to catch things from falling to the ground. There's always tomorrow.”

Campaign Blog

Our real stories are about time. The time all mothers spend taking care of their families, the economic and social value of that time, the unpredictability of it, the invisibility of it, the way it changes our lives after we become mothers. It's about time that we come together to tell our stories loud and clear.

• Amy is the mother of two children, then five and two, who was living in Northern California. She worked as a full-time technical writer for a few years before becoming a freelance writer who works from home. Amy was then co-leader of her Mothers & More chapter and an active blogger.
• Working as a freelance public affairs consultant, Amy W. had her hands full with two kiddos (Caroline: then age 3; Jeremiah: then age 5) and an overwhelming number of community action projects.  After spending years in the urban centers of Atlanta and New York, she returned to her mountain mama roots upon the birth of her son accompanied by her New Yorker husband.  They were living in the downtown historic district of Charleston, West Virginia.
• Anjali has two daughters, then ages 3.5 years and 10 months.  She practiced labor law until the birth of her second child, when she decided to stay home full time to reduce her stress level and simplify her life. As it turns out, she was way off mark.  She spent her free time daydreaming about meaningful part-time jobs for both she and her husband, so that childrearing and chores could be split evenly.  She, her family, and her daydreams were living outside of Philadelphia.
• Beverly was residing in Southern California with one then-6-yr-old son and one violinist husband.  They lived in one Craftsman-style house which came with one stray cat.  In her upper forties, Beverly had efficiently combined a mid-life crisis with first-time motherhood, and thus could not return to her management position in human resources. Plans for reinventing herself were underway.
• Karli is the stay-at-home mother of two girls, then ages 1 and 3. Prior to motherhood, she enjoyed her career as an in-home caregiver for children with severe physical disabilities. While Karli finds being a mom extremely challenging, there's nowhere on earth she'd rather be than at home with the people she loves the most.
• Katy is a professional writer/essayist who has written for Brain,Child, Working Mother, Parents, Real Simple, Salon, Minnesota Monthly, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and other publications about motherhood. A former reporter for the New Orleans Times-Picayune, she was living in Minneapolis with her husband and two sons, then aged 9 and 11. She was working on a collection of essays about the perils of modern motherhood.
• Lauren was an English professor for several years, and was doing some freelance writing now. She is the mother of two boys, then ages 3 and 5, who she had over the age of 40.
• 10 years ago Leslie was a single mom working overtime trying to support two special-needs kids. During the time of this blog, Leslie hadn't earned a penny in 3 years, was married, and had added 1.5 more kids to the mix (her newest was due in early June). Leslie's eldest, a boy who was turning 17, had severe ADHD. Her second, a then 13-year-old girl, has spina bifida and multiple learning disabilities. Her third is a boy who was turning 4. When she worked for money, Leslie was a software engineer and did some technical writing. She was 41 years old and was living in Texas.
• Linda is a mother of a then five year old boy and a nearly three year old girl. After surviving two pregnancies on bed rest she periodically worked in a part time human resource position. Linda is a midwestern mom who decided after seeing the world that living where she grew up is a pretty great. Writing had become a new hobby and she was inspired by her family to capture the moments, the good, the bad and the really ugly.
• Marianna arrived in North Carolina from London in December 1999, with her husband and two small daughters. At the time, her daughters were eight and ten, and she has a son, who was nearly three. In England, she combined various careers, from international market research to teaching. She had kept a journal for over twenty years.
• Mary Anne is mom to a then four-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son.  She'd started a new business at home marbling papers and she played Japanese taiko drums for fun.  Before becoming a mom, she had too many lives to count.  She had decided that this life was going to last longer than those others.  At least 20 years.
• In the previous ten years, Michelle had experienced nearly every possible combination of employment and parenting.  She has worked full-time outside of the home, part-time, flex-time and been a full time at home mother.  At the time of this blog, she was doing freelance and consultant work out of her home while parenting her two children, a then nine year old girl and a two year old boy.
• Rachel is the mother of two boys, then aged 3 and 6. Staying home full time was the current state of affairs, but she had explored all other work/family options as well: full time, full time with some home based work, part time and consulting.  While parenting full time was her current choice, she was actively mulling options for her eventual return to the work force.
• Robyn is the mother of 2 girls, then aged 3 and 15 months. She lives near Seattle, WA. She worked as a research scientist prior to becoming a stay-at-home mom.
• Sandy lives near Ann Arbor, Michigan with her then 3 year old daughter, 8 year old son, 12 year old dog, 43 year old husband, and two hermit crabs of undetermined age and sex. In her life before children, she attended graduate school, worked as an archaeologist, and wrote esoteric articles on prehistoric plant remains.  When she isn't reading, avoiding housework, or taking care of her kids, she thinks about writing articles explaining the overlap of science, ecology, and history for a popular audience.
• Tracy lives in Atlanta, Georgia with her 4 year old daughter, husband and puppy.  A stay-at-home mom at the time of this blog, Tracy worked as an attorney before becoming a mother.