The Mask of Motherhood

Author Susan Maushart takes on the myths and misinformation surrounding our lives as mothers.

by debra levy

(Originally printed in FORUM, VOLUME 14, NUMBER 2, March-April 2001)

Do we hide behind a brave face, pretending that the job of mothering is "instinctive" or "easy?" Do we secretly think that other women don't have the same problems we have in raising our children? Do we often think that the real world lies somewhere beyond the confines of our homes and our new lives? Author Susan Maushart, Ph.D., says yes. As part of our on-going exploration of women's and sequencing issues, Debra Levy, Mothers & More's Advocacy Senior Manager, talks with Maushart, a Senior Research Associate in the School of Social Sciences at Curtin University in Australia, about her new book The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Our Lives and Why We Never Talk About It. Originally from Freeport, Nt Maushart, the mother of three young children, now resides in Australia. Her next book, Wifework, is scheduled to be published this year.

Q: What is the "mask of motherhood," and do you view it as a new phenomenon?

A: I use the term to describe the brave face that women put on in order to convince the world that the job of mothering is unproblematic, straightforward and "instinctive." I believe it is, in reality, none of these things. No, I don't think it's a new phenomenon. But I do think our anxiety to protect this image of effortlessness has been heightened in recent decades. I think we feel increasingly impelled to pretend that "it's all so easy, really" because we are so afraid of losing the precious ground we've gained in other areas (educationally, legally, professionally, etc.). The rhetoric has been that we've got to show we can do it all, and do it all as well as ever. So the need to hide the chinks in our armor, so to speak, is greater now.

Q: What makes this mask so damaging to mothers?

A: It sets up hugely unreal ~ expectations, which, when dashed, lead to feelings of frustration, failure, depression, betrayal, etc. When women mistakenly believe that they are the only ones struggling with this stuff, it is lonely and frightening. This not only undermines our identity and our self-esteem, it also, perhaps ironically, erodes our capacity to parent.

Q: How does our society contribute to the making and keeping on of this "mask?"

A: Well, the media have a lot to answer for. But, then again, the images they purvey are only reflections of our own ideals. Media do not exist outside of culture, after all. Our inability, as a society, to tolerate ambivalence and ambiguity inclines us to see things as black or white, either/or. Because motherhood is a "good thing" it must be seen to be an unmitigated wonder. I think we are also very uncomfortable with the expression of negative emotion generally by women. We would much rather label a woman as "sick" or "depressed" than confront her anger or sense of injustice. We also have a thing about mother-blaming-a legacy of psychoanalysis that has begun to be rehabilitated, at long last. The fear, a wellfounded one I might add, of being blamed for all of society's ills is enough to make anybody put on a fake smile.

Q: Tell us about what you see as the initial contributors to the "mask"-"selflessness," "the invisible transition," and "the trauma of reorganization?"

The culturally correct definition of a mother is "someone who is always there, and who always understands." Translation: Somebody without a life, or even a personality! The selflessness thing, which is so much a part of how we have constructed the role of mother, leads directly to the guilt thing, of course. The "invisible transition" refers to the fact that there are very few rituals or other markers in our society that acknowledge and celebrate the enormous change in status and identity that becoming a mother entails. We celebrate the birth of the baby, and rightly so. But the birth of the mother may get lost in the shuffle.

Part of that birth, or rebirth, I suppose, has to do with a fairly sweeping reorganization-not only of one's home and personal routine, but psychically as well. I don't think there's a woman alive who hasn't drastically re-shuffled her priorities as a result of having a child. This is something that happens in a multitude of ways, some large, some small.

Q: What could better prepare us for the chaos ahead, both in childbirth and in becoming a mother, or as you say, the grown up?

A: Talking more, and more honestly. Interacting with other women and their children prior to becoming a mother oneself. Being more inquisitive about our own mothers and grandmothers, more respectful and less dismissive of their wisdom. Adopting a mindset that accepts there is no "authoritative" experience of motherhood, any more than there is any one right way to toilet train or breastfeed. Finding and keeping male partners who see parenthood as the privilege that it is, and behave accordingly.

Q: You point out that there is a difference between mothers' increased participation in the workforce and the way mothers feel about their participation. What do recent trends and studies say about how women feel about working and raising a family?

A: Ambivalent, really. How could it be otherwise? Most want to work outside the home; most also want a family. Most do so-even those with very small children. It's different in Australia, interestingly... we're really suspended in amber down here. Yet most feel, I think, that it's dreadfully hard to get the balance right, and that too often their lives are a Technicolor re-enactment of Robbing Peter To Pay Paul. "Studies" tend not to get to what people feel deep in their souls. But what the research does show are some incredible contradictions between the values we say we hold, and the way we actually conduct our lives.

Q: You see a huge down-side to part-time work for mothers. Why is going part time "the worst of all possible worlds?" What would make for better work arrangements?

A: In some ways, part-time work is a no-winner because you aren't taken particularly seriously on the job- despite effort that is often the equal of full-timers-and you're still seen as being as "on tap" at home as if you weren't working at all. All of that's a drag-particularly so if your partner has the "real" job and works full time. I think part-time work has the potential to set us free from a good deal of our misery, but I think it needs to be distributed equitably. That is, it needs to be seen as a workable option for both genders. I suspect that's the only way we'll erase the stigma. In the meantime, on balance, I would still choose part-time work over full-time if it could be managed-and frankly I think I'd do that with or without kids. I think it makes for a saner lifestyle.

Q: Do women, in fact, need to be treated differently, in that they bear children, and do the majority of work of raising them?

A: Yes, absolutely. I think the day will come when we will see the late 20th to early 21st century as a very bizarre little blip in human history: a time where, for a while, we tried hard to convince ourselves that equality meant equivalence. Of course, it does not. We will never succeed in reorganizing the workplace to welcome (rather than tolerate) mothers until we acknowledge that bearing and raising children is not some pesky, peripheral activity we engage in, but THE WHOLE POINT.

Q: How do you think women really feel about homemaking? Do we value it or covet it?

A: Some value it very highly. Obviously there's been a kind of homemaking renaissance in the U.S. recently that demonstrates this pretty conclusively. Maybe it's just a nostalgia thing... "don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you got til it's gone?" Maybe it's a nostalgia thing because it's more important than we were inclined to think. Personally, I think it is important-not just cleaning, which is boring but necessary, but the larger task of creating a sense of order and comfort and beauty. I suspect this is one more area among many where we have thrown out the baby with the bathwater. Now we're looking for the baby again.

Q: You describe mothers as the "human fulcrum for the family balancing act.N Whatever choice mothers make, we tend to believe that "real life" seems to remain elsewhere.

A: Again, that would be a worst-case scenario. At one's lowest moments, that's the way it seems-or it does to me. Yes, it is terrible and stressful. It's unfair. You know, men don't experience this "role strain," as the sociologists call it. Family life is not easy for fathers, but it is on balance a relatively straightforward road. For women, there are turnings everywhere.

Q: Do you think women have real options in all areas of mothering? Childbirth, work, family life?

A: Sure we have options. But we probably have fewer than we think we have (and we certainly have fewer good ones than we think we have!). Childbirth, as I say in the book, is nine-tenths luck. You can control the experience to a degree, but to be honest I think it's been highly exaggerated. No amount of breath control is going to give you childbearing hips, or shrink your baby's head circumference. As far as the balance between work and family life goes, yes there are real options-but there are also real consequences that follow from them. That's the nettle most of us find so hard to grasp, I think. You CAN work 50 or 60 hours a week and still raise a family, but there's going to be a price to pay-not just by you, but by your kids, your partner, your employer, your friends, etc., etc. It's not true that "everything is negotiable," either. Maybe it ought to be, but it's not. Sometimes there simply is no substitute for Mommy, I'm sorry to say. Dad may be equally important, but he sure isn't the equivalent. And heaven knows nobody else is either.

Q: Confronting issues of motherhood has been left to this generation of mothers. Why is it in our interest to wrestle off the mask?

A: For the sake of our daughters and granddaughters. And to examine our own lives, and make them, too, more worth the living.

Q: Can you comment on the tension between mothers, working versus nonworking, and the lack of regard for mothers generally in our society?

A: I don't think women yet trust one another, to be hon^ est. And I can also think of lots of good reasons why that should be so. Most of us are still incredibly insecure about the choices we've made-partly because the relevant frames of reference have shifted so decisively in our own lifetimes. Those of us who've chosen the way (more or less) of our own mothers worry that we've somehow sold ourselves short. Those who have decided on a totally different path face the anxiety of the unknown, as well as the fear that what's best for them may not, after all, turn out best for everybody.

Q: What could actually happen if the masks were all cracked? How would this change the lives of women?

A: I think the lives of women, and the lives of men and children, too, would be transformed. Because to do this would be to move motherhood from the periphery to the center of human society. Which is just where it belongs, in my opinion. It would mean the responsibilities and privileges of rearing our young would become the pivot around which social and economic life would spin. The implications of such a shift would be enormous in scale and multitudinous in variety. Suffice it to say, it would be a very different world

Q: Finally, how do we remove the masks?

A: By doing what we're doing right now. Analyzing, confessing, revealing, daring one another to be honest-and doing it not just privately (which is also terribly important) but out in public, where people can hear us.

Q: Would society better recognize the value of women, their contributions to society, both paid and unpaid, if we did?

A: Indubitably.