Joint Letter to Dr. Phil

September 28, 2004

Dear Dr. Phil:

Mothers & More and the National Association of Mothers’ Centers would like to commend you on the marginal improvement in Part 2 of the "Mom vs. Mom" series which aired September 3, 2004. You may remember that Part 1 of this series (air date November 2003) inspired Mothers & More’s first Apple Pie in the Face Award - an "honor" which calls attention to acts that divide mothers or trivialize the struggles mothers face in balancing caregiving with their other needs and responsibilities.

Although this episode’s editing was clearly toned down to a lower level of outrageousness, it was still miles away from being adequate. This second part was obviously a continuation of the first: the audience was still divided into two "warring" factions - at-home moms and working moms; you still highlighted and egged on the most fanatical, stereotypical members of the audience to speak on behalf of each side; you still barely let either of your experts speak; and you still preyed on mothers’ insecurities about their struggle to find ways to care for their children, make financial ends meet and meet their own needs.

We are hoping that the small improvements that were made are an indication that you are willing to right your past wrongs. It is with this hope that we make a win-win proposition, both for you and mothers: an episode on the real issues affecting all mothers.

The Issues

When asked about your new season in a recent interview with Time magazine, you said, "We’ll embrace everything we’ve done in the past - Dr. Phil families, silent epidemics - but we’ll also take on some bigger issues."

Here’s a big issue for you: the lack of acknowledgement that caregiving is real work deserving of respect and support by society. And here’s an even bigger one: the marginalization of mothers in our society.

Of course, there are many differences among mothers: some work for pay, some do not; some have children young, some wait until after their careers are established; some breastfeed, some bottle feed; some are conservative, some are liberal; some use cloth diapers, some use disposable diapers. Yet, despite these differences, all mothers share some shocking commonalities: they are all criticized and judged no matter how they lead their lives or raise their children; they are all blamed for both the actions of their children and the actions against their children; and they are all held to an impossible standard of what a mother should be. In other words, the value of their caregiving is not recognized and is therefore up for debate.

Put all these commonalities together and you’ll discover the best-kept American secret - our culture practices momism. ("Momism," as defined in the 2004 book The Mommy Myth by Susan Douglas and Meredith Michaels, is "a set of ideals, norms and practices, most frequently and powerfully represented in the media, that seem on the surface to celebrate motherhood, but which in reality promulgate standards of perfection that are beyond reach.")

How about doing a show exploring the perception of the caregiving work mothers do and why society puts so little value on it? Or a show exposing the hurdles society places in the path of every mother? There could be more than two parts to this story.

We Can Help

Mothers & More and the National Association of Mothers’ Centers would like to offer you guidance. Both our organizations are dedicated to mothers and the real issues that affect them. Together, we represent over 13,000 mothers. Among those mothers are experts and examples of practically every vein - invaluable resources in learning the real story behind the media myth of the so-called "mommy wars." Look us up online to learn more about us at www.mothersandmore.org and www.motherscenter.org.

"When you pay attention to something, it gets more exposure."
Dr. Phil McGraw
Time Magazine, September 2004

It’s time that mothers are paid attention to - not the attention received in an occasional tribute - but thoughtful, serious attention. It’s time to expose why our society chooses to devalue caregiving and caregivers, whether they do their caregiving in addition to a paid job or all day long. We’re asking you to pay attention and help this noble cause - that of gaining respect for caregiving - get the exposure it’s due.

Sincerely,

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