Mother’s Day Leaves a Lot of Mothers Feeling Conflicted

After giving mothers a chance to review their activities and their feelings on the Day After, the last question we asked was,

Did you feel appreciated and feel that all the work you do for your family was recognized yesterday? Did celebrating Mother's Day yesterday change your perspective on the work you did today?

 The overwhelming majority of mothers said they did feel appreciated by their families on Mother’s Day, and the majority also said that Mother’s Day did nothing to give recognition to the amount and importance of the work they do as caregivers—the next day it was back to business as usual and having mothers’ work go largely invisible.

“I felt appreciated but not like all the work I do was recognized. There is much that goes on that my husband has no clue about and would not be able to manage himself in the timeframe in which I manage it, particularly when multitasking and mental planning ahead are involved. It did give me renewed awareness that I really do a great deal that needs to be done and that most of it is behind the scenes, so to speak, unseen by other adults.”

The work I do is invisible to my family. Occasionally I don't do it (when I travel, or, last year, when I was injured). The whole place goes to hell, but it never makes them understand how much I do for them, it just makes them angry when I don't do it.

It's impossible for my family to know and appreciate all that I do. Sometimes what I do feels invisible.

I feel my family recognized my work for them. And there were some great articles about mothers' unpaid work in papers around the country on Mother’s Day. But I do feel that this appreciation only lasts one day, and the Day After it's like Cinderella after the ball---back to work and back to being invisible and unappreciated.

Several mothers were actually stressed because this “day off” left them with a backlog of work to do by that evening or the next day.

“We went on a day trip that was fun but then I did not have time to do my usual get ready for the week planning on Sunday night and so I am playing catch up today.”

“My husband tried to give me a no-work kind of day. It was great until about 7pm when he said he was too tired to keep it up. Celebrating Mother's Day yesterday gave me a chance to see what I needed to get done in the house. I had some time to make a BIG ‘to do’ list.”

“Spent the evening cleaning and organizing around the house because having the house organized makes my days operate better.”

“Maybe my husband realized that it is hard to do all the work, but since most of it wasn't done, it is hard to say. When I have to finish it all up after relaxing for a day, it is a bit of a disappointment, but I felt rested so the work went faster. I just feel more accepting that this is what I do all day long, take care of kids and husband, without much appreciation.”

"Although I tried to enjoy the moment and concentrate on the celebration of Mother's Day yesterday and all that the family did for me, I kept worrying about what I had to do for today.”

On the other hand, many mothers felt they had to work just as hard on Mother’s Day as any other day.

“My husband is really great about appreciating what I do in general. I did, however, find myself grumbling to myself that even on Mother's Day I cooked dinner and did the laundry! He had been so nice earlier in the day and bought me a nice gift that I didn't feel I could say, ‘Why am I cooking and doing laundry on Mother's Day?’ While he is appreciative of my hard work at home, I still don't think he realizes just how much goes into each day.”

“Yesterday was nice but I also worked my butt off trying to get things ready for my mother-in-law's visit so I didn't relax that much.”

“Since all I did was chores most of Mother’s Day I wouldn't really call that celebrating. My life continues as one endless series of chores and errands whether it is Mother's Day or not.”

Yet seeking or receiving appreciation for their work left a number of mothers feeling guilty or ashamed of themselves.

“Yes. I feel very appreciated by my family. It makes me want to keep giving to them and try not to be so selfish.”

“Yes, I felt appreciated, but disappointed at my husband's version of ‘I'll do it for you today.' Together he & my two sons gave me a CD of a group I like. That's it. What about that pedicure I have been talking about? What about something that says, "You work so hard, you should relax sometimes."? I don't think my husband can ever fully understand all that I do for our family. Yesterday helped remind me that I need to be happy about my kids and not get so negative.”

“On Sunday I still cleaned a litter box since I couldn't stand the smell and it was trash day on Monday, but I resented the fact that my many hints all weekend to do this chore went unanswered by my husband, 12 yr old daughter, and 10 yr old son. Then I felt guilty about my anger. I received a card and flowers and then my day continued like normal. I don't feel like I should complain though, because I am sure other moms are worse off.”

"Yes, I did feel appreciated and special yesterday and it has impacted my perspective a bit today in the sense that I want to feel like I've earned my presents.”

The general consensus, which several mothers articulated, is that they want and need more on-going recognition for—and more regular relief from—their caregiving work.

“I feel appreciated by my family most days. Yesterday was also lovely, but I'd rather have the job of parenting be valued in general than have an annual ‘recognition’ day.”

“I think taking ONE day out of the year to recognize the work mothers do is absurd, a way out of recognizing what we do EVERY day. More of a media-imposed consumer hype thing rather than a real recognition of a mom's life. I'd rather be recognized on a regular basis than having a big emotional build-up to this one day. It doesn't make sense and feels weird. We all need to be celebrated and appreciated regularly.”

 “I truly hope there will be a day when all mothers are valued for the unpaid caregiving work we do.”