I have a confession to make:  I have been paying way more attention to other people’s kids than my own son.  He’s gotten really good at several computer and Wii games this summer, and he knows the daily TV programming schedule way more than I ever imagined my child ever would.  This is all a result of how busy I am at being a mom.  I had envisioned a totally different summer vacation, but somehow tutoring and school work and volunteerism have taken over.  During the summertime, my son is happy to have no schedule and no deadlines.  His friends are in camp, in sports, following routines, and heading out on vacations.  We’re home, him taking long, unstructured mornings, me working and working…  This wasn’t what I had planned, but moms are busy people, right?

So the mommy guilt kicks in.  Should I have sent him to camp?  Is he getting too much “screen time”? Have I failed him by giving him a boring summer?  There are days that he asks to play on the computer, and I say “Yes,” knowing that if I let him, he would stay there until I make him shut down.  I think of how much I could accomplish and how long I could work.  It wouldn’t be a stretch to anticipate hours of time to work while he’s on the computer.  A nagging voice in my conscience says I have a problem, but I shush it and attack my to-do list(s).  What to do?

What is a mom, anyway?  Once I finish cleaning the dishes and get the laundry done and folded and put away, and then plan a dinner or two and make sure we have a few fun things on the calendar, scheduled around the to-do list, I wonder if I’m all work and no play. That’s the source of my mommy guilt.  I haven’t played with my son all day.

Moms are such busy people!  If you work at home and outside the home and try to volunteer in your child’s activities and your community or church, it is so easy to run out of time for the very reason you’re doing so much.

I briefly entertain the thought of what I’d have done today if I were not currently a mother.  I would still be working, but I would be consumed by my career.  My house would be a nice place to keep my stuff while I’m at work, and my yard and garden would be cultivated and beautiful – minus the Little Tykes plastic and swings and trucks and Lego pieces that fly out of the lawn mower.  I would be reading a lot more, and I would get to my own laundry more often.  The ironing board would be in a more usable place, and I would own clothes that I need to iron.

That’s where the daydream screeches to a halt and know that I am right where I need to be.  I don’t iron.  That’s someone else’s dream!  And I like having to pick up trucks before I mow the lawn.  As much as I chide myself for not having a more successful garden, this year I have finally (after 15 years) grown a tomato and eaten it right off the vine.  I will always resent having to do laundry. I will continue to be consumed by my career, which is as a loving, caring, cleaning, lunch-packing, hard working, volunteering mom who also works outside the home and manages to get her son to school and herself to work and the house in order and the bills mailed out and the emails answered and the blog written…