“Over the past decade, maternal ambivalence has finally been daring to speak its name. In return, it frequently is told to get itself back into the closet.”
Glass Half Full – Katy Read

During my pregnancy (with Jeremy), I received countless suggestions and pieces of advice from family members and (too many) strangers. I read books about pregnancy, but nothing prepared me for the experience of being a full-time, stay-at-home mom. I was steadily employed from age 12 through 29. I was used to demanding bosses, office politics and inadequate pay. I figured motherhood would be a breeze comparatively. I thought I would be my own boss, that I’d finally have a chance to catch up on my reading and the rest of the time, gaze lovingly at my beautiful son.

I now envy the commute my husband has to his job—a full hour of calmly drinking his Diet Coke before walking into a building full of adults. He conducts entire conversations with other adults, eats a meal without anyone clinging to him and attends to his bathroom needs in private. I, on the other hand, have a 10-step commute to my children’s bedroom doors. My meals are catch-as-catch-can and I frequently use the washroom with an audience of Jeremy, Rebekah and my two dogs, Rascal and Scout, all crammed into our half-bath.

I love my children in a way that words can fail to express, but this job was way oversold. In the course of the day, I enjoy laughing with my kids as I tickle them relentlessly. I also slam doors in frustration and beg (literally, beg) my son to stop asking questions. I gaze lovingly at my daughter and son as they play quietly with their toys, then pry them off of their little brother with undisguised rage.

I haven’t read anything longer than a magazine article in about 2 ½ years. I have a whole room for scrapbooking, but mostly I’m too tired to pull out pictures and scrap. My husband and I were last on a date for our anniversary. We struggle to get through a movie after the kids have gone to bed. I have been pregnant and/or nursing for the better part of the last five years.

Ms. Read’s article perfectly captures the ambivalence that is rampant throughout my circle of mom-friends. You would have to literally knock us out to take our kids away from us, but God help the child who has just pushed a younger sibling onto the floor. There is no wrath like mommy wrath. So I say we need to talk about this more. I don’t tell someone who’s just found out she’s pregnant horror stories about what lack of sleep can do, but when she calls me a month after her child is born, crying because the baby just won’t stop crying, I listen without judgement and assure her that this too will pass. If I’ve learned one thing about being a mommy, it’s that the best way to get the monsters out of the closet is to turn on the light. Hopefully, I can do that for someone else.

Susan Carbajal may not have much time to read, but she does make time for Brain, Child magazine (Where “Glass Half Full” was published).